Earlier today I asked ten questions and said to come up with the best fib you could. It’s too fun to pass up, so here are my answers
Everyone thinks they know the story of Jack and Jill, but why did they really go up the hill?
Jill told Jack she saw a rainbow land right on top of that hill and that she swore she saw a leprechaun up there. Well, now Jack didn’t believe her at first, but then she pulled out a bag of gold coins. There’s loads more up there she told him. Jack was a greedy little boy, so he ran straight up that hill with her trailing behind him. Once she heard his scream, she laughed and laughed. Oh, there were leprechauns up there and she did have a bag of gold. She sold Jack to the leprechauns. Teach him to rip the heads off her dolls.
What was humpty dumpty sitting on and why?
Well, here’s the real story. The story that Humpty didn’t want to ever get out. Humpty Dumpty had a fetish, you see, and well, there was a wall, that part was true, but the wall surrounded the Storybook Shoe Factory and he fell out of the tree he was in trying to peep into the second floor testing room where he could see all the naked feet as they slipped in and out of shoes.
What did Rapunzel let down?
We all know how Rapunzel went around telling everyone that she let down her hair and the prince climbed up and rescued her, but that’s not the way it happened. Trust me. I was her chamber maid, and she was hardly a captive up there in her playroom. She just liked to make people think she was. You see, she lowered a rope ladder out one window to the unsuspecting young men you bought her story about needing help, and then she would shove their drained corpse out the other window into the pit. The town didn’t learn she was a soul-sucker until it was too late.
What was Little Miss Muffet eating and what happened when the spider came down beside her?
That poor spider. Didn’t know what hit him. Sure, parents like to say she was just eating curds and whey, but in truth, Little Miss Muffet, if you can call a demon spawn Miss, was eating a large bowl of maggots and grubs doused in blood. Spiders are her favorite seasoning.
Why was Hansel and Gretel sent into the woods?
Little known fact…Hansel and Gretel’s parents were deeply involved in the black market. Hansel and Gretel were out in the woods collecting ginseng and poppy for their parent’s customers.
Who really ate Grandma?
She sure pulled a fast one didn’t she. Everyone thinks it was the wolf and the huntsman came along and saved her, but that’s not the truth. Red wasn’t even expected at her grandma’s house. She grew hungry though. By the time the huntsman arrived at the house Red had devoured half her grandma. He helped her finish. Waste not, want not.
What did the Three Little Pigs build their houses out of?
Come on, their pigs. Everyone knows smart little pigs makes their home from the bones, bodies, and shit of their enemies.
What did Little Jack Horner pull out of the pie?
A human finger! That was the last time he bought a pie from Mrs. Lovett.
What is the true story behind Cinderella?
That brat! You know it was all a lie anyway. It that slipper was hers, and was supposedly a perfect fit, how did it slip off in the first place? Huh? She think’s she’s all perfect for him. It wasn’t my fault she got the good the fairy godmother and I got Broomhilda. Can’t tell the difference between being a shoo in and a shoe in the prince’s life. GAH!
Rumpelstiltskin wasn’t his name…what was it?
Oh, him, pfft. Thinks his name was some big secret. Get a few drinks in him and he’s shouting his own name at the top of his lungs while dancing naked on the table. It’s Dick.